Post by SEDstar on Feb 11, 2023 0:54:39 GMT -5
Seriously.
got several hours sleep before my monday chase the cows gig.
Actually? good mood. Work went fine. I did have a little phlegm and cough, but... with the sickness going around this winter, it didnt seem bad as compared.
then, late in the shift at work? The coughing turned nasty, and... the last 20 minutes of chasing livestock? I was seeing stars and getting dizzy and stumbling. Lady at work saw something was wrong. Kept asking me if I was okay.
I asked her if she ever saw tombstone, the cowboy movie. she said yes, so... I did my best southern accent doc holiday voice and said
"oh... why, I am as right as the mail..."
and she said "but, when he said that? he coughed and fell over..."
I smiled and expolkained that was about to happen. Minutes later, work ended. Cool.
It, whatever it was? coming on fast. I couldnt catch my breath. I am simply *gulping* air, and, still feel like I am not getting any air. Ride home was bad, I kept begging the window open, for the cold air felt better. Sitting down made me able to breathe even less, and I was getting *spastic*.
I barely stumbled out the car, and made my way up the steps to bed. Seeing stars. Falling over. Dizzy. Gulping air and wheezing, like I'm allergic reaction or something.
I won't lie... it was scary. Basically felt like the air had no oxygen in it. SIlly, but, thats what it was like.
laying down, I quickly found out, will kill me. Standing up? I will fall over. Sitting down even put pressure on my... diaphragm? lungs? I dunno... the only position that was reasonable? was sitting and leaning somewhat forwards, but not TOO far. hands on knees, leaning slightly forwards.
ANY other position? I start panic gulping air.
Now, I'm not stupid. I *know* this is like bleeding out... if I stay CALM, I might make it to the morning, but... if I get scared? I know I wont. I had to SIT like that, all night. I finally got maybe 20 minutes of I couldnt even call it sleep, but... a couple of 20 minute sections here and there, maybe an hour total.
tuesday? same thing, and even a little worse. I was scared to go down the steps, or I knew I couldnt get back up them. I was scared to go to the bathroom, because sitting to *go* had me gulping air.
all day, and all night tuesday... same way. sitting... leaning slightly forwards... staying CALM... or else. By the wee hours really late tuesday, I finally was able to begin to sort of lay down, just right, and get an hour or two of sleep, in half hour patches. From which I woke up spastic and had to lurch up and into the chair to stay alive.
Wednesday morning? slight improvement. I could now stand up, if i did it s-l-o-w-l-y. I could now walk to the next room and back, if i took one steop and paused, one step and paused.
but... i knew I would now live through this. By wednesday night? I was able to go down the steps on my butt slowly, and crawl back up slowly.
didnt eat from monday morning... clean thru until thursday night. was actually out of water? And had no way to hike to the spring to get any... I made coffee out of the water collected on the pool cover. a few pieces of candy, I would hardly call it "food" al those days.
thursday? definite improvement. By thursday night, I could walk around and go to the bathroom with no fear, use steps, etc etc.
========================================================
covid? who knows, who cares.
bad flu? who knows, who cares.
I dont have medical, so, going anywhere for "help" was out of the question.
plus... with no phone, with no car... I was so bad, i couldnt even MAKE it anywhere to ask someone to call for me, I would have just passed out in the yard.
an oxygen tank and someone to watch over me trying to get sleep? would have been nice, but... made it thru without anything.
========================================================
now, people say that when you are dying, your life passes before your eyes. I wouldnt say that was it. All that I know, was that I realized I was right on the *cusp* of not waking up, so... it was a definite possibility.
all that went through my mind? important to me?
1) my poor cat. No one will take care of him like me, he'll be lost without me. I hope he makes it without me.
2) wish I'd of finished my 2 books. sucks to not find out if I made anything half decent or not.
3) no one will hear any of my music. if my DVD burner wasnt broke, at least I could have a CD laying around, someone might listen to it and play it.
==========================================================
so? Now I know what's important in my life.
I love my cat, above all else. most important thing IN my life.
apparently, writing and making music are for some reason important to me.
nothing else seems to matter or register when I was facing possible elimination. My ex wife didnt even pass thru my head, no ex girlfriends thought about, nothing like that. None of my family members still alive am i close enough with that I even thought once about them, while they arent strangers to me? It isnt the same thing as "family".
I was amazed sitting there for hours, chest in serious pain trying to breathe hard day and night.... the regrets I always hear about?
I really had none. other than cat, and book-music-computer type stuff i like to work on. Apparently, I dont care enough about anything else that it bugs me when the possibility of checking out is right around the corner.
==========================================================
thursday night? My "coming to get you" friday ride? shows up 24 hours early to get me for one of my little "vacations". Amazed i was good enogh recovered by then, to go.
friday? did a "side job" with a new guy. remodeler contractor kinda dude. seemed to go okay. friend of a close friend.
weird... monday tue wed... literally on death's doorstep.
thursday night? picked up for little vacation, friday tried a possible new labor job out.
life is weird. I? am apparently even weirder...
===========================================
I somehow feel like I "know about myself" much better after this though. I had previously suspected what was really important to me, but now I know for sure.
PS - wondered if I was having a heart attack? crunched up an aspirin and swallowed it dry, but... it clearly wasnt. I might as well have chewed on some of Mr. Creamy's kitty kibble as that aspirin.
either covid, or bad flu variant, or... pneuminia kinda deal, who knows or cares. call it what you want, when you cant breathe, you cant breathe.
about the only thing I even remotely think a hospital could have even DONE for me? giving me oxygen, would have been a nice trick... i feel that would have *guaranteed* my survival. As it was? I had to wing it.
I suppose at age 55 (this summer I turn 55)... I am now courting death. We met each other, hung out for a couple days, got to meet each other. I'm not a great fan, no love lost between us, but... hope we don;t *date* again for as long as possible, LMAO...
got several hours sleep before my monday chase the cows gig.
Actually? good mood. Work went fine. I did have a little phlegm and cough, but... with the sickness going around this winter, it didnt seem bad as compared.
then, late in the shift at work? The coughing turned nasty, and... the last 20 minutes of chasing livestock? I was seeing stars and getting dizzy and stumbling. Lady at work saw something was wrong. Kept asking me if I was okay.
I asked her if she ever saw tombstone, the cowboy movie. she said yes, so... I did my best southern accent doc holiday voice and said
"oh... why, I am as right as the mail..."
and she said "but, when he said that? he coughed and fell over..."
I smiled and expolkained that was about to happen. Minutes later, work ended. Cool.
It, whatever it was? coming on fast. I couldnt catch my breath. I am simply *gulping* air, and, still feel like I am not getting any air. Ride home was bad, I kept begging the window open, for the cold air felt better. Sitting down made me able to breathe even less, and I was getting *spastic*.
I barely stumbled out the car, and made my way up the steps to bed. Seeing stars. Falling over. Dizzy. Gulping air and wheezing, like I'm allergic reaction or something.
I won't lie... it was scary. Basically felt like the air had no oxygen in it. SIlly, but, thats what it was like.
laying down, I quickly found out, will kill me. Standing up? I will fall over. Sitting down even put pressure on my... diaphragm? lungs? I dunno... the only position that was reasonable? was sitting and leaning somewhat forwards, but not TOO far. hands on knees, leaning slightly forwards.
ANY other position? I start panic gulping air.
Now, I'm not stupid. I *know* this is like bleeding out... if I stay CALM, I might make it to the morning, but... if I get scared? I know I wont. I had to SIT like that, all night. I finally got maybe 20 minutes of I couldnt even call it sleep, but... a couple of 20 minute sections here and there, maybe an hour total.
tuesday? same thing, and even a little worse. I was scared to go down the steps, or I knew I couldnt get back up them. I was scared to go to the bathroom, because sitting to *go* had me gulping air.
all day, and all night tuesday... same way. sitting... leaning slightly forwards... staying CALM... or else. By the wee hours really late tuesday, I finally was able to begin to sort of lay down, just right, and get an hour or two of sleep, in half hour patches. From which I woke up spastic and had to lurch up and into the chair to stay alive.
Wednesday morning? slight improvement. I could now stand up, if i did it s-l-o-w-l-y. I could now walk to the next room and back, if i took one steop and paused, one step and paused.
but... i knew I would now live through this. By wednesday night? I was able to go down the steps on my butt slowly, and crawl back up slowly.
didnt eat from monday morning... clean thru until thursday night. was actually out of water? And had no way to hike to the spring to get any... I made coffee out of the water collected on the pool cover. a few pieces of candy, I would hardly call it "food" al those days.
thursday? definite improvement. By thursday night, I could walk around and go to the bathroom with no fear, use steps, etc etc.
========================================================
covid? who knows, who cares.
bad flu? who knows, who cares.
I dont have medical, so, going anywhere for "help" was out of the question.
plus... with no phone, with no car... I was so bad, i couldnt even MAKE it anywhere to ask someone to call for me, I would have just passed out in the yard.
an oxygen tank and someone to watch over me trying to get sleep? would have been nice, but... made it thru without anything.
========================================================
now, people say that when you are dying, your life passes before your eyes. I wouldnt say that was it. All that I know, was that I realized I was right on the *cusp* of not waking up, so... it was a definite possibility.
all that went through my mind? important to me?
1) my poor cat. No one will take care of him like me, he'll be lost without me. I hope he makes it without me.
2) wish I'd of finished my 2 books. sucks to not find out if I made anything half decent or not.
3) no one will hear any of my music. if my DVD burner wasnt broke, at least I could have a CD laying around, someone might listen to it and play it.
==========================================================
so? Now I know what's important in my life.
I love my cat, above all else. most important thing IN my life.
apparently, writing and making music are for some reason important to me.
nothing else seems to matter or register when I was facing possible elimination. My ex wife didnt even pass thru my head, no ex girlfriends thought about, nothing like that. None of my family members still alive am i close enough with that I even thought once about them, while they arent strangers to me? It isnt the same thing as "family".
I was amazed sitting there for hours, chest in serious pain trying to breathe hard day and night.... the regrets I always hear about?
I really had none. other than cat, and book-music-computer type stuff i like to work on. Apparently, I dont care enough about anything else that it bugs me when the possibility of checking out is right around the corner.
==========================================================
thursday night? My "coming to get you" friday ride? shows up 24 hours early to get me for one of my little "vacations". Amazed i was good enogh recovered by then, to go.
friday? did a "side job" with a new guy. remodeler contractor kinda dude. seemed to go okay. friend of a close friend.
weird... monday tue wed... literally on death's doorstep.
thursday night? picked up for little vacation, friday tried a possible new labor job out.
life is weird. I? am apparently even weirder...
===========================================
I somehow feel like I "know about myself" much better after this though. I had previously suspected what was really important to me, but now I know for sure.
PS - wondered if I was having a heart attack? crunched up an aspirin and swallowed it dry, but... it clearly wasnt. I might as well have chewed on some of Mr. Creamy's kitty kibble as that aspirin.
either covid, or bad flu variant, or... pneuminia kinda deal, who knows or cares. call it what you want, when you cant breathe, you cant breathe.
about the only thing I even remotely think a hospital could have even DONE for me? giving me oxygen, would have been a nice trick... i feel that would have *guaranteed* my survival. As it was? I had to wing it.
I suppose at age 55 (this summer I turn 55)... I am now courting death. We met each other, hung out for a couple days, got to meet each other. I'm not a great fan, no love lost between us, but... hope we don;t *date* again for as long as possible, LMAO...